As I lay in bed I think to myself do I really care? I have NEVER been in this so called, “funk,” before in my life and this is bad. I am scared of myself and the demons in my head. Not a day goes by that I do not wish that if I could just have missed that truck by five seconds or maybe have my brother, father, uncle, family friends would have been leading and gotten hit by the truck. I would be shoken up but I still would be alright. I would still be able to pursue my life long goals! Some might question why?
Yeah for the outside world you may think I am crazy; but here is my question; have you ever once thought about ending your life? Most might say, “No,” and if that is true I applaud for being so ignorant and oblivious to the real world. This time, now, ignorant has a negative connotation. This time I hope and pray that you have a godawful feeling deep in your stomach. Not the pain that comes from a deep cut or surgery; not the pain that comes from a scar that will last for 10 or 20 years because those pains will eventually heal; but the pain that a person will always feel after he or she loses something or someone like a pet, peer, co-worker, friend, romantic friend, niece or nephew, aunt or uncle, brother or sister, mother or father, grandfather or grandmother, husband or wife, or one’s own sanity. Depending on your degree of involvement with this object or person you might learn something about loss.
My situation brings up the question, “Would a person rather have loved or never loved at all?” Anyone can haphazardly say, “Rather have loved.” My next leading question would be, “how do you then experience love?” Of course a person’s apparent answer would be time. Haha, time. Oh the word, “time.” I guess everything comes down to time.
I shout, “But wait a minute, here.” How does a person experience (sidenote: I never loved because I did not know her; so I am going to use, “cared for as a person”) anything without investing time? If you can truly say you loved someone when, “love,” is such a vague term; how do we as humans know about love. Is it that special feeling you get when this person is near you?
Oh no! Love is a feeling when a person has no clue what to do. Love is being able to accept a person because he or she is unique. Look at it this way for a second, a person feels a deep romantic attachment to another individual. Here is everyone’s homework; ask your partner if you suffered a terrible accident would you still love me? WARNING: ladies and gentlemen it is okay to lie on this question. Research has shown that after (e.g., a TBI) most partners end up getting a divorce. Why might that be the case?
I do not know, right now, how to feel. Mostly I feel sad because we could have counted on one another. I also have short anger because I think what can I do differently to the next person Luckily, you have an outlet to share your feeling or thoughts. Luckily you have your drug or your friends. I, however, consistently get bombarded with questions like, “How can we make you feel better,” or, “What can I do to help?” I tell you this not because I want sympathy or even empathy. I tell you this so you might realize that you have the power to let someone live or die. All those times that you say you cut yourself but what saved you? You were saved by people that love you.
Even in this city of Marinette; a cyclical place with drugs, depression, factories, worthlessness, dreams come to die, anxiety, pain, suffering, and for what? To help support your family? No to help support your self. If you truly meant what you said you would be willing to go through pain or hardship to feel again. What now to do with your life? You could apologize for but never once did you say anything.
Can anyone help? I speak to you as another human being; can someone help me? No what I am thinking is the quote from my mother on my caringbridge website; “It takes a community to raise a child,” and all I have to say is that is a bunch of bull. Where is a person when I need him or her the most? Where is this so called community? See I will be fine but NEVER the same. I never wanted to feel horrendous. I never wanted to get hurt. I never wanted to loose myself in the midst of everything going on in our lives.